Quote:
Originally Posted by Underground
So lately I have been in a dark place. Anger had overcome me at times which in turn makes me act in ways that I should not be doing to my family. I don't know whats causing it either. Im extremely busy with work, it's my favorite time of year and yet I am having issues within myself. I have been drinking too much lately as well. My rage comes on at any time and is not caused only when drinking. I feel numb again when I see the ones close to me hurting. I have been better in the past, more able to recognize and feel. Now I feel nothing except emptiness and anger. I put shows on for work and then I am back to me at the end of the day. The real me is not a good thing for anyone. I even looked up therapists again today. Do I really want that though? It's so difficult to know I am not right and yet feel nothing. To know who I really am baffles my mind!!! This is my update for now.............
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You have to face all the things you work so hard at hiding Underground, that is hard and you have to find the right therapist you can develop a trust in to do that with.
You have developed a lot of techniques to "avoid" feeling, well, given your history there was no one there that could help you with that, so that is why "empathy" is such a challenge for you and you avoid it. You feel rage because if something bothers you, you will not lower yourself to ask for help, so you end up getting very angry. It sounds like alcohol only frees you up to express anger, that can happen with some people, they can be mean drunks, yet also because they don't have a true relief system, can have other moments of "rage anger" they expell too.