I hope to get some clarity on this matter that has plagued me for years from this.
This is a lot but it explains everything and I still can’t make sense of any of it.
In elementary school I had a best friend Kaylin. We were almost inseparable. I was a smart, inquisitive and emotional boy. I would often be seen either angry or crying. When I cried it would last for at least hour unless Kaylin was there to calm me down. I felt that she truly cared for my wellbeing. She would sit there for the entire time until I calmed down. She believed me when I couldn’t articulate what it was I was feeling or why I was crying. We were both possessive of each other and everyone started saying that we were either boyfriend and girlfriend or acted like a married couple. We would argue often but still stayed best friends. But at the end of third grade she had to move to Georgia. This crushed me. By this time I realized I loved her but never said it. She had called me back in fourth grade but I never got her number even though I could have and never told her that I love her. I am still beating myself up for that. For the rest of my life I have been reminding myself of that mistake and still held on to those feelings believing that one day I could get in contact with her again to tell her. I promised myself that I would never feel happy again until I could tell her I loved her.

Throughout middle school and high school I basically “went through the motions” as I didn’t really feel any meaningful emotions. I had times were I was happy, but anything other than happy was repressed. Anytime I was mad I told myself why I shouldn’t be mad. Whenever I would get sad I just never let it show and held it in. I always avoided conversations that were about love or romance. Those conversations reminded me of her and it was very painful. In high school I was asked out several times but I always said no because I felt that I wouldn’t be right if they liked me but I’m still hung up on someone else. Then one girl kept asking me to go out so I gave her a chance. But, I was still against it and tried to end the relationship as soon as possible. We never went on a first date and she left me for her ex.
The missed feelings for Kaylin plateaued until my second year of college. I progressively felt worse about myself. I felt as though that I was just a bad person who can’t feel for anyone. However, I recently had a crush for one of my friends. He is a guy and straight. I have told him that I like him but he didn’t say much of anything but made it clear that he wasn’t interested. But my feelings for him reminded me of Kaylin.

I don’t know what to do with these feelings nor how to resolve them.