I hate being in the showers because it gives me too much time to reflect. I could be having a nice time but whwn i get under the water, it just attacks me...i sit in the shower and every bad thought i could get,i do. Those moments i hate others, i hate myself. I get very bitter and angry and sad and just want to scratch myself until i have welts and marks but i bite my nails. So i can't...i just want to so i wouldn't scar or bleed but i could just..hurt
I feel like that would releive me but i know it wont and it never does. I get all these guilty and depressed feeling s in the shower about my life and i wish it would stop.
To make matters more painful for me, when i told my mom i was emotional pain, she asked why and i said "a lot of things" becUse it's true. I have many things that I'm depressed about and some of thwm are deeply personal and i didn't wish to share them. She said "name one" and first off that belittles my problems. I hate when my parents do that it just makes me hate myself more for fweling sorry for myself in the first place...so i answer "i guess a problem with how i don't look...like i want.." and she shrugged me off and told me i had a nice body and that i was pretty and that's nice but IT HURTS. it hurts to have my parents ****ing sHrug my pain off like that. That wasn't even the problem that was hurting me. I was upset for many reasons but the main, was a person, and that's childish too but let me. I just. I'm a teenager. I'm going to be heartbroken over lost loves especially one i can't get the fu k over no matter what i do. Then i get to the shower and everything is justm...so much worse. I hate myself, i hate him, i hate that i can't be loved that nothing i say matters, i hate his stupid girlfriend he never shuts up about i just want to never ****ing deal with this and most of all i hate how disgusting i am. I just hate myself and others a lot. I'm sorry. I'm very tired of struggling with all the hate and depression(for many reasons but lately it's been romance involved.) just to be happy.