I don't have anyone really who I can tell exactly how I feel and I would like to write a few of my feelings down here and see if someone would be able advise me on what's going on with me.

I am a 21yr old known as the loud, bubbly, fun one. However inside I don't feel like any of these things. I struggle so much to be alone. When I am alone i cry, I lose all energy, motivation, I think how pointless and worthless I am, I SH or think about SH, I eat so much to the point I feel ill or I'll eat nothing, I lay about getting annoyed at myself for doing nothing but do nothing about it, I go over all the reasons why I hate myself and why I am not worthy. I feel like I am wasting my life away and I have no reason to get up in the morning. Sometimes I feel so so angry for no reason. Everyone annoys me, even if they have done nothing wrong I will find a reason they have annoyed me. I am filled with so much self hate and negative thoughts. Being on my own terrifies me. I don't know why but I hate it so much. It scares me.

When I am around people I feel like I've put a mask on and I am acting. Sometimes I like it because I leave behind that part of my mind that controls me, and I try be happy for a minute but it takes over again and reminds me I don't deserve to be happy. I try make out everything as a joke to my friends but somethings, even the really small things, they upset me so much. My mood can be totally fine, but one tiny thing can tip it just a tiny and I automatically feel depressed again. I try and hide my bad feelings because I feel worse about making those around me feel ****. Sometimes the pretending is good and it feels real, those times are when it hurts even more when I sink back into my state of worthlessness and self hate.

A couple of months ago I was having a rough time. I was drinking everyday, a lot, and people were calling me an alcoholic which I am not but it upset me. I was SH. I got so angry one time I ended up being arrested for assault and spent the night in jail. Something about it made me feel okay. I felt like ibwas being punished and I deserve that, I'm horrible.

I think about how much i hate myself so much. I am not suicidal. I do want to SH though, so much. Once I ended up in hospital and I feel so low about myself sometimes that I want to be back there. I don't think I can wear this mask anymore. I never feel myself. I always feel confused or like a fake. I hate my mind, my body, my situation I'm in in my life. I want to run away but I can't run from myself. Sometimes I feel like I am just waiting about for death.. There is no point in me being here.. I serve no purpose.

I am sick of feeling like this and feeling like a joke. What's up with me? Am I depressed? Or something more? Or am I just being a dramatic child who needs to get over themselves?

Any advise or ideas here would be really appreciated.