You have to face all the things you work so hard at hiding Underground, that is hard and you have to find the right therapist you can develop a trust in to do that with.

You have developed a lot of techniques to "avoid" feeling, well, given your history there was no one there that could help you with that, so that is why "empathy" is such a challenge for you and you avoid it. You feel rage because if something bothers you, you will not lower yourself to ask for help, so you end up getting very angry. It sounds like alcohol only frees you up to express anger, that can happen with some people, they can be mean drunks, yet also because they don't have a true relief system, can have other moments of "rage anger" they expell too.