I always knew there was something "wrong" with me as a child. In high school things took an ugly turn with my first major depressive episodes. Too proud to tell my parents what I was going through I numbed the pain with alcohol.

At the age of 18 I ran to the psychiatrist. At first I was mis-diagnosed with depression/OCD/general anxiety disorder. The SSRI's the doctors put me on helped me experience my first manic episodes (which I loved, at first.)

Throughout my early 20's I didn't take my mental health or physical health very seriously. I was majorly spiraling out of control with drugs, alcohol, promiscuous sex and severe manic and depressive episodes. All of this lead to my first hospitalization.

After getting out of the hospital I still didn't take my mental health very seriously but I was determined to live a better life "naturally." I took to cleaning up my diet, I quit drinking and smoking cigarettes; Then something amazing happened, I started running. In 18 months I lost 90 pounds, ran my first Marathon then an Ironman, then I got into cycling and went nuts with endurance sports. All the while I was riding dangerously high mania's. I learned to trick my body into manic episodes through extreme exercise and pshychedelic drugs.

This all came crashing down when I went through a major break-up with my ex fiancé. I went through another serious depressive phase that ended up with me being hospitalized again. At this point I decided to get serious about my disease. I got a good psychiatrist whom a trust. She was the first person to diagnose me as Bipolar. It was a long 2 years trying different meds and getting them dialed in. What sucks is I was a respected endurance athlete; While taking different medications Ive piled on nearly 60lbs in three short years. BUT I have managed to hold down a job and Ive got my own place.

Ive been taking Symbyax in the evening and Adderall XR in the morning for 6 months and I have been mostly stable; And I absolutely hate it! I miss being creative, being an athlete, being the life of the party. Now Im just another guy that goes to work, to come home, to do nothing, to go to work again. The monotony is sucking the soul out of me! I dream of taking off on my bicycle and camping as I go to wherever the wind takes me. Ive never been free of the societal system in which I have never truly fit in. This is probably the disease talking but Im tired of fighting the good fight.

This morning Ive been badly depressed; Im cycling (depressive phase) again and Im worried about having to go to work tomorrow. The earliest my doctor could get me in is Friday morning.

I deep down want a friend like me. I have never reached out to the bi-polar community before (probably out of pride.) But here I am 30 years later looking for help! Ive spent the past 2 days reading peoples stories on this forum and in all honesty, it has what has kept me going. I find solace in the fact Im not alone