Hi Gemini,

It was definitely an abusive and unsafe situation to be in, and well done on getting and staying away.
As for whether you caused it...........an abuser will often try to shift the blame onto the person they're abusing and even make them feel that they deserve it, but there is no justification for abuse, the blame lies purely with the abuser.
And the fact he wasn't behaving like that with anyone else...........could be different reasons but maybe it was that you were the one closest to him so you were the one to see his "true colors", maybe he felt that you were in a relationship with him so "you owed him" to put up with his behaviours (which you didn't!!!), maybe he felt that he could behave like that with you and you'd keep it quiet, maybe he didn't need to behave like that with other people because he got what he needed form behaving like that with you e.g. a sense of power/control, maybe he wasn't capable of having an equal relationship and that showed in his behaviours, maybe his past included men behaving that way towards their partners, but none of that makes it your fault.
And your feelings now..........feeling crappy, feeling numb..........well you've been through a lot with him so maybe you're blaming yourself, maybe you're feeling a sense of loss of what you'd hoped the relationship could have been, maybe you're feeling betrayal.........I'd say you're probably going to be feeling/feel lots of different and sometimes conflicting feelings about the relationship and about what happened.
But if you can just try to hold onto one thing right now..........you did not/do not deserve to be treated that way, and you've done exactly the right thing in letting/having it end!! Please remember that.



Alison