I feel that you are certainly entitled to your boundaries, and you should honor that first, so if you do not want to share yourself sexually with him, he needs to respect that. My biggest concern for him is him saying his abuse history doesn't matter, but at the same time he has kept it a secret. And his confused feelings after sexual contact I can certainly relate to as a survivor. These things suggest to me that he is carrying a lot of shame and denying it, and that he is in a lot of pain that he is probably not facing. Also, him saying you are "holding your body ransom" is a pretty telling statement. "Ransom" in this context is certainly not a loving statement. If he was sexually abused, his choice of that term worries me all the more. It implies giving up something by blackmail and manipulation, something that happens to a lot of sexually abused children. It sounds like he is still defining sexual intimacy that same way. That's not a healthy experience for either of you. He probably needs professional help as much as he needs your love. Your boundaries with him sound really challenged. I think you should listen to that voice in you and stay true to yourself. You need to do that for yourself. You can offer your love to help him heal, but not at the expense of your own feelings of safety and true intimacy.

I really feel for him because I know all too well how a history of abuse can infect the present. And I know the pain of being in long term denial. But to get better, he doesn't need you violating your own boundaries in a relationship. That will only set up the relationship for failure and pain and loss for you both. Extend a loving hand to him and offer to help him heal. Tell him why you do not want to be intimate right now and tell him why you feel his past is harming your relationship today. If he can't accept an offer of help and your feelings for what they are -- without trying to compel you to do things you are not comfortable with -- you can't help him right now. You have to accept that. He needs to want to heal first and seek help. Being this honest with him might help break the cycle of denial he appears to be in. You have to love him enough to see that truth and act on it in a healthy way. Be careful.

mtd