Quote:
Originally Posted by divine1966
For me instant intense chemistry happens precisely when the person is wrong for me. My t said is often typical. Your body and emotions subconsciously respond to what's familiar. And what's familiar is unfortunately isn't always good.
She asked me to try not to go for initial chemistry but for human qualities and emotional connection. I am now dating someone the first time that I felt no chemistry on the first and second and third date yet as we kept getting to know each other I am crazy about the guy. If I rejected him right away I would miss on a lot. Don't know where it is going, but he is cool.
I am surprised you say it's hard to find feminine lesbians. I know many through my daughter. My daughter is very girly ( she is bi-sexual) and every lesbian she dated was feminine -girly including her long term one she lived with for 4 years. She is with a man right now. Many of her lesbian girlfriends though are all very feminine. One of them dating one who is a bit masculine. They are all in late 20s early 30s. She lives in a very cosmopolitan area though as do I as well.
I always thought the only men out there are type A matcho types. Turned out I was just attracting that type into my life. There are other types out there!
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Everyone works differently. For me, the instant chemistry isn't necesaarily about physical attraction at all. It's about seeing someone's smile, body language, ability to engage in witty reparte, etc. it's good energy or a good connection. Granted, the women I was in long term relationships with didn't end up being "the one" forever-- but they were good relationships at that point in my life. The person I was in love with at 20 just isn't necessarily the person who is right for me at 30 and with whom I want to have kids. We grew apart and want different things as adults. My T has said different people work differently and, for me, I am able to tell right away if I'm interested or not-- and I need to listen to my own instincts. She thinks I do a good job of picking (or rejecting) potential girlfriends.
With online dating, I also know before meeting someone if they have a stable job, want kids, have their own place to live, share my basic values, etc. So, really, I already know if they have the "on paper" qualities I want in another person. The thing I don't know is whether there is that good energy and personal connection. If it's there, yes! Then I know they are potentially a good match because I already vetted them for the qualities I'm looking for. If not, it's just going to happen. If they're boring, or aggressive, or have bad manners, or can't hold a conversation-- no need to "try" to like them. It isn't going to happen.
I'm from a big Metropolitan area where femme lesbians were much more common. Unfortunately, for work, I had to move to a much smaller area where there are not a lot of gay people. I never had any difficulty dating in a bigger city-- and I moved to this city while in a relationship. When I broke up with her, I realized that dating here is much different! It's a very nature/fishing/cabins/biking/sports type place-- and I don't share those interests. The lesbian scene here is also very butch/femme. I'm a femme looking for another femme, and it is not as common in this area.