Ugh ugh ugh. Why have I not given up on group therapy yet?!

So this evening I didn't say much. But I was listening to a dialogue that was going on, and it was interesting and I was sort of trying to figure out what each of the people involved meant. But I didn't have anything that I wanted to add. Then T asks me how I feel and I don't know, and I say I just wanted to be a voyeur. So then I'm attacked by the group for not participating. So I say that I don't want to participate, don't want to be there, don't trust them, and am just generally hostile. Sadly those things aren't even true -- I just feel so horrified at the thought of trying to talk to a group of people at once. It's at least as frightening to me as public speaking (of which I'm terrified). And I mostly just can't do it. I mean not one single phrase will come into my head to say. Nothing. I'm as blank as blank can be. And I feel like a fool when I try to stumble around to make up something so I just become hostile. I'd rather be seen as hostile or silent and uncaring than as the fool I feel like if I try to participate. I actually do care and believe I could even connect with most of them one-on-one but not all at once. I just feel like I'm being judged, and I can't do it. Misery.

And of course the other ongoing problems of late are that I lost my job (most of you probably read the thread where I said I was laid off) and am horribly worried about that. And to top that off, I saw my ex-lover with someone else last week -- looking at her the way he used to look at me. I just wanted to vanish.

How I'm supposed to drum up the energy to participate in group I don't know. I have a horrible enemy = myself. And I don't have the mental energy to contribute to it. I think if everything in my life were going great, and I had just come from happy hour I might have a chance. Otherwise I'm not gonna participate. So why don't I just get out?! I guess i just hate breakups. All of them....

Okay thanks for letting me vent..... Hope it's not too frustrating to read the same old story from me again....

Sidony