I find this question difficult. I will try.

CHILDHOOD:by 3rd grade I thought I could talk to spirits/people far away. By 5th grade I was becoming adept at fantastical excuses for why I couldn't go to school. (fainting in shower - water pittering on face). By 3rd grade I was afraid of ghosts coming to me, because they knew I could talk to them/ sense them and I didn't want any visits. I think I was already becoming aware that I could do things others couldn't and that frightened me on some level.

PRETEENS:By 8th grade I believed in angels because I had invisible hands rest on my shoulders. Because I could always be aware of more then regular people. Always knew I was 'different'. Did weird things, like experimented with why people use restrooms when they could just pee. Peed in pants on carpet - thought, oh, because its uncomfortable and the reasons we use clothes are___. Volatile temper started at times, put my cat in a pillowcase and shook it. Kicked a couple boys in the privates. Attempted 1st suicide at 13.

TEENS:Began messing with witchcraft and psychic connection - a lot of true shtuff happened. wild, driving drinking pot - was uninvincible, and strived to make the world a better place because I knew it was all about me, up to me, surrounded by me, Began noticing patterns. Colors, numbers, radio songs at certain times, words, letters, license plates, the light that circles me, being able to manipulate others by thought. I had the key. I ran everywhere, not walk. Began critical thinking against catholisism. Became obsessed with a boy who said f.u. to me. It lasted 3 years. Wasn't frightened of death. No concept of fear except for being disliked, or how I could be bad by making people sad. No concept of time passing, that I would graduate, and had to act like grown up. Saw a shrink for 3 or 4 years, was diagnosed with Bipolar right before I stopped seeing him. (again at 19 I saw another shrink after mom told me I needed to - they also said I had problems. Once I awoke knowing I would die if I went to work, so I stayed home. Failed Medical Assistant school because I was attacked by a witch. DENIED THE PROBLEMS.

EARLY 20s: From 14-22 I had over 15 different jobs, lived in like 7 different states, became a master of the lie to get out of work because I couldn't handle the tedium of it, all my jobs always had half my attention because my mind was imagining alternate existences, didn't bother getting a car, or trying to own anyting more then suitcases. I had stopped all drugs when I was 19. I could move clouds, effect weather slightly, connect to people far away, learned a little about lutheran, methodist, eckenkar, buddhism - began forming my own spiritual belief system. I was raped, stalked for 22 months, had a child out of wedlock, my father died, tried and failed first college attempt, had sex with many people to make them happy. Became obsessed with a boy from work who ignored me. At one point I went to a third shrink, gave me lithium, it made me not be able to feel - I threw them away and didnt go back. got married on a Monday in Vegas cause I didn't want to watch the Simpsons on TV. DENIED THE PROBLEMS.

LATE 20s: Began pretending to be everything the normal person is supposed to be, exercised, worked my *** off with the business of marriage, had a second child after two miscarriages. Began trying to please my money loving first husband by letting him purchase everything he wanted. Began being more effected by anxiety. Wasnt able to go to a Dr. because I wasn't worth it. Worked hard to be right acting all the time. I would physically respond to my depression and mania with working and waiting for it to end. Sometimes would take 3 days. DENIED THE PROBLEMS.

30s: continued the downward spiral that emotional suppression and constant pretense leads to, with lack of sleep and over work to meet expecations. Had a nervous break down. Was verbally abused for it. Stopped being able to stand in sun. wouldnt drive over bridges. Cringed at the phone. Woke every day at 2:57-3:04 am. Stopped hitting rem sleep. After 6 months of that, was shattered. first divorce. Became intensly obsessed with my abusive karate teacher, lasted 4 years. Moved in with a friend who had cancer, let my duplex and car go because I couldn't make any choices for myself self esteem about life was too low, friend died - married her husband because I had to 'save' the family. Planned my death for when my boys and my dead freinds boy who I was now raising - planned my death for when they turned 18. Gave them my stuff. Married a second man I didn't love out of thinking it was right. 2nd failed college attempt. SELF BLAMED FOR BEING WEAK - DENIED THERE WAS A REASON.

40s: Went back to a shrink. Told I was bipolar and needed meds. Took them for awhile, spent the next 5 years going on and off to them or the Dr. getting meds occasionally. Would spend days in my room at times. Hated - hated - hated life and my 2nd husband. Was a half way good parent. ---- MEt a man online. Met a man I could love online. Loved. Felt loved. Felt hope for the first time in decades - went for it. Divorced 2nd husband. Married 3rd, this time. Got a power job to care for us. Got 2 promotions within 6 months. Requested not to take the 2nd one, was pressured into it. It was too much, emotional spiral down - down to 'fired due to innapropriate behaviour' (screaming, crying, accusing coworker of being mad at me). Used last of money trying to keep car. Car repossessed. Tried to find another job, people at employment agency said-- see a doctor first. Saw a dr. meds. counseling. agoraphobia, estrained from children, general assistance. Rock bottom. REALIZED PROBLEM WAS THERE EFFECTING MY WHOLE LIFE. LIGHTBULB.

Climbed up from Rock Bottom to Sustainable. Very happily married to someone statistics say will not work out due to age difference. I am learning not to pretend when I go in public. Now I embrace being alive most of the time. I appreciate my current situation. Sometimes I am terrified it can end. I experience severe unreasonable fear, paranoia. My anxiety leftover from 30 years of emotional shock still continues to dominate my days. I cringe at shadows, see things that arent there (still), have very busy days where nothing can ever harm me (husband says take your pills)

I have every reason to be terrified of lifes inconsistency. But I am on a plateau of a kind of consistency. I hope it lasts. If something traumatic happens, I am so unstable, I cannot yet handle anything. Like, finding out my water bill was high due to watering new plants sent me into a tailspin that lasted 3 days of depression, anxiety.

Sorry this got long. How do we explain a life?