So I decide to ditch class tomorrow and go see T instead. Of course this is my brilliant idea because I can't deal with waiting til Friday. I haven't missed one class this semester and it's the second-to-last class before the end of the semester, so it's not a big deal. Tuesdays at 5 PM used to be my time before I had to switch... so I left him a msg. saying that I was having a hard time since last session, and is the Tuesday at 5 PM slot still open.... Meanwhile, I'm already fuming because in my pathetic, unrealistic universe, Tuesday at 5 PM was my time, is still my time, and will always be my time, and therefore should be left open. So I'm already fuming (pre-fuming?) thinking that maybe the spot has been given to someone else. So he calls back and leaves me a msg. that the spot is open and he will "keep" it for me and will see me tomorrow. So what do I do? Get pissed of course. Keep? Was he planning to give it away? Have I won a prize?

What the %#@&#! is wrong with me?

Oh, I know. I'm setting myself up to be angry so that I won't have to feel the other stuff. The other stuff is the deep attachment that I have towards him. The hurt and the disconnect in between sessions. The reality that I have one therapist, but he has many patients.

I feel so needy. So attached. More than ever. I keep getting terrified that he's going to be like, "Ok, that's it. This chick is way too attached, I'm bolting outta here..." Or... what if he starts setting limits? It has always been... call whenever you want, leave as long of a message as you want, say whatever you want, schedule extra appointments as often as you want.... now he's gonna take out a restaining order against me. Whoa. I must get a hold of myself. I only called him once last week and once the week before. He told me to call him to let him know how I'm feeling.

The whole couch thing was big. I don't know what tomorrow's going to be like. Do we just process the couch thing for the entire session? Do I talk about my depression? The SI? Do I get on the couch again? I sort of need to tell him this thing that involves sex. I can't look at him when I tell him that. Do I get on the couch for that? Am Is my unconscious gonna end up taking over? Do I express my attachment? Do I tell him I'm afraid he's going to leave?

Breathe.

I think I need to take out a restraining order against myself.