Your mother sounds like quite a piece of work to try and deal with. Congratulations on building such a normal life for yourself, despite having grown up with someone like this.

I'm sorry that your father is so ill. This does sound like a sad situation where most of the grief is unnecessary and just manufactured by your mom's self-centeredness. You are more patient than I would know how to be dealing with your mom. Obviously, you love your father and don't want him to have to cope with this ugliness on top of being so sick.

It's nice of you to be so willing to meet your mother more than half way to try and smooth things over, especially for your dad's sake. All you can do is try. You can't control the outcome. Your mom wants to be the suffering martyr. She probably resents that you do have a good life that she can't intrude on, since you are so far away. Also, she can't stand being upstaged by your father who has a legitimate need to be fussed over and catered to. If only she were the one in the hospital bed!

This is the woman your father chose to marry, and she is never going to be a nice person. It's lamentable, but that's how it is. You didn't chose her . . . he did, and you may not be able to make it all right. If she wants to be miserable, she will be. I get the feeling she is determined to just be mean.

I honestly don't know what more you can do, over and above what you are doing. I believe you've tried your best. The more you try to make peace with your mom, the more she digs in her heels that you have atrociously wronged her. Maybe she'll get tired of what she is doing.