When I read your description of your mom's behavior and of your relationship with her, I could see many similarities to my relationship with my mom. I have to say, though, yours sounds more difficult. Not that that's a contest anyone would want to win.

Anyway, basing my reply on my experience with my own mom, I would be surprised if your mom would be open to making amends with you right now. I imagine that she is very upset about your dad's health, plus when you call she may be thinking "well, they only want to know about their dad - they're not really interested in me". That right there could generate bad behavior around the phone calls.

With my own mother, I have tried to look at her relationship with her mother to try to get an idea of why she behaves as she does. In my own mom's case, she pretty much duplicates her mom's behavior. I don't know if that's true for your mom. If it is, it doesn't make it any easier to deal with her, but sometimes it can help emotionally if you have an idea of the source of your parent's behaviors.

My mom has mellowed a bit as she's gotten older (past 65). I hope that maybe yours will, too, with time.

I have talked to therapists about my mom. If we don't get certain relationship needs met by our mother, we tend to look for them elsewhere. I think that's okay. If we seek out people in our lives who are motherly toward us, that can help some to fill the gap that isn't met by our mother.

What I have to constantly remind myself of is to try not to be upset when my mother doesn't behave the way I expect her to. I will do well with this for a while, but then I'll fall back into the pattern of expecting motherly behavior from her at a time when I'm vulnerable, and I'll get blasted.

My mom will be more motherly if I let her know that I value her company and advice and enjoy her attention. She is a bit insecure about taking on the motherly role, I think. It sounds like your mother already demands those kinds of reassurances, though. I don't know how she behaves if you give them to her. She maybe calm down or she may become even more demanding.

This is just a guess, but your mother may be very angry at you for living so far away from her. This may completely violate some belief she has about what adult children should do. It may color every interaction she has with you.

I hope that she'll be interested in your children and that that will help to smooth her relationship with you.

For right now, while your dad is in the hospital, you may need to take on the motherly role with your mom and tell her that you know she must be so worried about your dad and listen to her if she wants to talk about how she feels. Ask her if there's anything you can do for her, if you feel able to do that.

Best wishes for your dad's recovery.