Thanks CosmicRose for your answer.
I remember 20 years ago, Sunday family meal, often his anger outbursts caused by our own free opinions and lack of control over them. And then, as he noticed that my mother looks anxious, and we all look confused what went wrong, he went to the garden leaving us discussing who's to blame for the nervous discussion, and coming after 15 minutes and a cigarette, with denial and amnesia on his face. Seeing his face, it all went back to us that we are the one who are crazy and something is wrong with US.
The parallel is that my grandfather lived in denial of his alcoholism and the troubles he created, and my father act the same only without the alcohol. His outbursts were only the aggregated anger that was newer validated and expressed - delivered to the target. Just the was my grandfather never accepted responsibility for his alcoholism, my father delete the things from his memory that are painful for him to admit and confront.
And all that is making a mess with my own reality.
There's no one who makes me more crazy than my own father.
Denial is a precondition you need to install in your head in order to live with my father.
And that is what my brain refuses.
What bothers me the most is that he doesn't even understand his problem, and thats why he don't think he needs to change or to admit that somethings wrong.
I'm doing my best to move out, and accept being a scapegoat for all the truth he didn't wanted to face with.