I feel so horrible these days... I have no energy and I can't sleep at night. I got my blood tests done last week and have been trying to find out what the results are, but all I get is the voicemail of my NP's medical assistant every time I call. I am very homesick, although I know that overall I am doing better where I am right now than I ever did when I was living with my parents. It would be great to get some time off for a week-long trip back home, but I am still technically a new hiree, so I don't know if they would grant me that. More and more these days, I feel out of place everywhere I go. The world depresses me, every day I see news reports that make me feel like this world is not one in which I wish to live. I don't feel like I fit in anywhere. I'm not socializing with that many people for this very reason-- I don't feel like they would really like me if they got to know me, and I doubt I would like them either. I'm not a techno nerd or a fitness snob the way most of the people in my town are. What's depressing me the most is that next year I will be 30, and I really really really don't want to still be in this situation then. I don't want to be sick, miserable, and lonely... and 30. Don't get me wrong, I realize there are many people alive who are well past that age, turning 30 is not necessarily the end of the world. But it will be the end of my 20s chapter in my life, and I don't think I'm ready for that.

I know I'm being really whiny right now, and that I should be grateful for having a job and a place to live and a family, even if they are roughly 1800 miles away. I guess all this stuff is just piling up on me right now, and so it's a bit hard to take.