Im sorry your struggling after all this time for the friendship and love of someone from grade school. Its really common to have very fond memories of people that were kind when you needed the compassion the most ... But this is holding you back from enjoying your life now, in the present..

Maybe seeing if you can find her online would help? But then again she could be married with kids and that could be more upsetting..Or maybe she would not remember you, I only voice that possibility because last year a guy that I apparently went to school with in 6th grade got in touch with me through a mutual friend on Facebook.. Seriously I did not remember him at all, even though according to him we shared many classes and hung out a lot.. Me? Clueless I felt really bad.

Have you thought about seeing a Therapist and finding out how to "un stick" yourself from that point in your life...