Hi Humpty Dumpty,

I, too, have suffered from depression all my life though maybe not to the degree you have and are, but I did have times of not wanting to continue, and the only thing that kept me from seriously considering doing it was the knowledge that doing so would cause unforgiveable pain to my parents, siblings, and husband. Also, I have so many animal dependents, I'd hate for my husband to be saddled with the decisions about what to do with them all, and I care about their fate as well.

I went in and out of therapy over the years and never felt it changed much, but then it wasn't the right kind of therapy. My question to you is, what is going through your mind that leads you to want to end it? Is it negative inner dialogue? Self judgement?

I finally found a therapist who introduced me to Emotional Brain Training. EBT is about rewiring your brain, breaking stress circuits that have been encoded early in life and rewiring them with new ones that are based on compassion for self and others. It is a type of cognitive behavioral therapy. If you want to learn more about it, go to ebt.org. I get no kick-backs from recommending it.

One of the things this method does is teach you about recognizing what brain state you are in and what you are wired at. I was wired at 4/5, which is very stressed/completely stressed out. When you are at a 5, you are totally overwhelmed and stuck in black and white thinking that everything is awful, you are awful, and it will never end. For me it was a state of major depression and feeling that life was horrible and that it would never change and that I was a failure etc etc. EBT teaches you tools to use to shift yourself out of these brain states, with the goal that you can break those circuits by using the tools.

The tool to use when you are feeling so miserable is called the Damage Control tool. What you do is repeat these sentences over and over until you feel calmer and less distressed. They are:

Do not judge (myself or others)
Minimize harm (the harm that this stress is causing myself)
Know it will pass (though it feels like it will go on forever, it is just a wire being triggered)

I know this may sound like malarky to you, because when I was in such a negative state, the idea of "just think positively" just irked me! I felt like I could never do that! I have been using the method for a few months now and can honestly say that i haven't had a suicidal thought in over six weeks.

I had reached a place where I felt like I just couldn't go on living the way I had been, that living the rest of my life without change was not an option. I feel the most hopeful I ever have before since starting EBT.

It is work, though, and I made a commitment to do the work. The work comes from looking at yourself and checking in with yourself throughout the day, doing some meditative breathing and asking yourself what state are you in, what are you feeling? You use tools to recognize and express your feelings. I was raised in a family that stuffed negative feelings down, and so it was hard for me to even know how I was feeling to begin with, let alone express anger, sadness, fear and guilt. I had trouble feeling grateful, happy, or heaven-forbid, secure and proud! But this method helps you get back in touch with your feelings so that you can process them and spend more time feeling better because you ARE processing them. i have found that to be true.

I'm sure there are other CBT methods out there that help as well, but this is the only one I am familiar with. PM me if you would like me to share more. This method is internet facilitated but you are connected with other members via phone calls, so there it is a very supportive method. With past therapy, i had very little support.

You deserve support! Regardless of our faults, we are all deserving of sanctuary within. This was a concept that was very difficult for me because of messages given when I was a child. I had no sanctuary and self-love; I'm not saying I'm fixed now, but I am on the path and feeling better more of the time. The inner judge needs to go! If you are feeling it is impossible, just know that it's just a wire and that wire can be broken!

If you want to get a sampling of EBT, one way is to get Laurel Mellin's book The Pathway - can be found on Amazon for super cheap. She developed the current EBT, and what you read in the book is an earlier iteration of the current version, but it is still very helpful and based in neuroscience.

Sorry if I'm sounding like a cult member. It is just the first thing I have experienced in my 50 years that ever gave me hope.