(((hugs)))

I understand the position you put your doctor in. You just have to step up to the plate for your own good and take those meds. Once you begin taking them on a regular schedule, they will be easier to take, less panic etc. This won't be easy, but it is doable, and you just have to do it. I'm sure you push through other things, yes? I'm sending you strong energy to do good self care... You see, there's no reason for the doctor and the pills if you won't take them like you need to. You tied the doctor's hands, so to speak, imo.

You may need to change your routine, as this one isn't helping you. Do you feel better taking the meds when there's someone around? What if you take your meds in front of your doctor, would that help your doctor take you back and help you feel better about taking them? Call the Doctor and "untie" his hands; he wants to help you. Don't refuse his help, ok?

TC