I have two kids under 10. I was home with my first for the first 8 months of her life, pre dx. It was awful...and the worse for knowing that I 'should' have loved it. So many mothers would have killed to stay home with their child. It was miserable for me. Then I went back to work FT, and she went to daycare. That was better, but still loads of guilt for sending to daycare. We moved cities and reduced my working hours when I had my son. He went into daycare just before he turned two - otherwise I worked from home with him.

My husband's schedule is like your wife's for about 7-8 months of the year. Unpredictable hours, lots of long days, no routine. Sometimes I get a call that he won't be home until tomorrow or for several days. Having that kind of volatility in the home life was extremely challenging for me for years.

I have been dx with BP for a year now. One of the things that having the dx has allowed me to do is actually acknowledge that there is a bio-chemical reason that I respond poorly to the stress of volatility, not being able to make plans, always having to be 'on' for the kids, etc. Working with my T, I started to give myself permission to not live up to unreasonable (and unnecessary!) expectations or standards for my parenting and home life that I had arbitrarily set. These are all the 'shoulds/should nots' I had amassed over the years. I discussed them with my husband, who is totally supportive of my doing what I need to support my mental health and appreciative of what I do in the home and with our kids to support the work he does.

(What follows speaks mostly to the depression side of the pendulum...where I struggle most.) I allow my kids to watch 'tv' (the laptop) when I need a break. Even if I need breaks several times in the same week. Sometimes for hours on end. (Particularly in the summer when they have fewer responsibilities they need to be focusing on and it's too hot to be outside.) I had my daughter make lunch last week when she was at an off-hours camp and home during the morning. I buy some convenience foods that are quick & easy to prepare so I don't have to expend energy when I'm feeling low - even if the food is mostly crap. My kids both know how to get their own snack & drinks. I let them make ice cube trays with some mixture they concoct (whole berries and water in the latest one) totally unsupervised so I can lay on the couch. I realize a lot of this is challenging with the twins, but your stepdaughter should be able to handle some of it when she's with you.

For me the key was letting go of the things I thought I should be doing and focusing on the things that would get us all reasonably/safely through the day. I remember when they were much younger, though, and it was so unbearably hard a lot of the time to be everything to and for them. The dependency was really hard, and left me totally depleted. The good news is that that gets better over time. The more independent they get, the easier it is for you, too. My kids are old enough to ride their bikes together out front without me sitting there. My daughter reads books to my son. They have extraordinary imaginations, so they'll create and play games together for hours. I have spent the last year vocalizing how I'm feeling with them so that they understand when I need to lie on the couch for a couple of hours, or when I'm short-tempered. My daughter understands it a little more fully and we've talked about emotions going up and down for me, sometimes swiftly and sometimes painfully slowly. Having those discussions with her has made her really empathetic with me, and helps us both when the BP leads me to do things I regret (snapping at her unnecessarily, getting disproportionately angry, not feeling like participating). I don't know how your relationship is with your stepdaughter, but if you haven't talked it over with her and you feel like it would be OK, you might discuss some of it with her.

Sorry for the novel...one of the impulses I can never seem to check is getting out everything that's on my mind. And this topic has been a really big one in my life. Good luck, and know that you're not alone in it.