Yesterday, during my check-in at group, I said something that worried my therapist. I'm not sure what I said but my overall mood was fairly somber. She pulled me aside during break and asked me many questions. The last question was "on a scale of 1 to 10, how likely are you to be here tomorrow?" By "be here," she meant "be alive." I told her I could confidently tell her I would be there tomorrow. She was fine with that but told me again that she wants me to see one of the hospital's doctors. Firstly, she wants me to see him as a second pair of eyes on my meds, and secondly, she wants me to see him to ensure my safety. I have a feeling she will forget though. She has forgotten a few things so far. I may remind her. I haven't decided yet (mostly because I'm not certain my insurance will cover the pdoc as it only covers IOP at this hospital and their IOP doesn't normally include a pdoc). She is very pro Clozaril for me also (she is a therapist but she ran "hearing voices" groups as a therapist for many years. I am overwhelmed by everything.

My husband told me yesterday that clearly doctors, and therapists, and medications aren't going to heal me so I have to do it myself. He gave me the ole "pull up yer boot straps matey" speech. I know I need to make some lifestyle changes but this was ridiculous. The day before yesterday, I slept the ENTIRE day after group. When my husband came home and asked why it looked as though the kitchen had been hit by a tornado, I told him I just couldn't get up. So, he told me that was okay and then helped me put the house back in order. Yesterday, however, he told me on the phone that he was going to be upset if the house was in such reckless condition again. I warned him that he was probably going to be upset then and that's when the speech began. He gives me such mixed signals. "You're allowed to be sick; I understand" is his message this day and "get your lazy *** up and do something" is his message the next day. I don't know how to either process or please him. He tells me he will stay no matter how sick I become and he will stay regardless of my size (it's been VERY hard me to maintain against the weight gain side effects--especially while being depressed and not giving a damn). I've always believed him. However, there is a girl in my group who I am quite fond of and whose story mirrors mine in numerous ways. Her story has me doubting my own story and leaves me asking if I am too trusting. I hope my husband doesn't leave. Then I would really be unable to function.

When I saw my pdoc on Mon, he gave me homework. I was to come up with something to do that will give my life a little more meaning. He gave me some suggestions and I think that the biggest "meaningful" habit that I will follow through with regularly is visiting a DBSA group weekly. I am still working on this assignment though. Another thing I am considering is teaching myself to knit from youtube. Anyway, I just wanted to update you guys! Hope you are well!