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Originally Posted by Open Eyes
Well, I have to admit that I have been hurt by individuals that have been on that higher percentage that you have explained so well. However, I have also seen how it develops too and so I do understand how it's often more about "protection" or defense mechanisms more than purposely just being mean and vindictive. That being said, it still hurts when that strange switch goes off and the Mr Hyde takes over and is directed at me. People that have this about them don't see how their eyes glass over and they become someone else, how often once that does happen, they don't "just" snap out of it either. It's a strange "detachment" that takes place, animals can have it too. And you are right, doctors/lawyers/politicians have it too. Actually if one knows what to look for you can see it when they do it.
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I'm so sorry that you experienced that with someone who uses NPD defenses. I genuinely am. I know how dehumanizing it can be. I feel an enduring heartfelt guilt for anyone I've ever criticized or hurt, and profound empathy for victims of abuse.
For whatever solace it might offer I will say that there's a lot of help for the people who want it. And it isn't everyone on this spectrum that ends up doing so much damage. People who use NPD defenses aren't a label in a textbook. We all have a diverse range of empathy, values, philosophy, and motives. Self-awareness, self-policing, and empathy practice can dramatically alter one's behaviors.
At its worst (before becoming self-aware) I can see that many of my previous interactions with people happened through the distorted lens of NPD defenses. I saw people as assets or liabilities. This wouldn't happen initially, but over time, I didn't know what meaning to assign to my classmates, or coworkers. It was just emptiness, because I had used a persona to charm them, and when our growing relationship dynamic needed more than this superficial give and take as it related to 'me', I didn't have anything to offer. I didn't have the requisite empathy and compassion or interest to make it meaningful.
This dysfunction was compounded by perfectionism and criticism. A great way to ensure no one ever gets close is to find their flaws, and people who use NPD defenses are great at finding flaws, because they're master persona architects.
I can gladly say that I haven't abused the girlfriend I'm with now in any overt way (verbal or physical). I've never felt much impulse to. Early on, before becoming self-aware, the abuse was more unintentional, psychological. She felt a distance that I denied, and I kept her at arm's length for a long time. But over the past year I've become more dedicated to closing that divide. I've started learning to love again. After becoming self-aware recently, I spend time each day consciously empathizing with her during Loving-Kindness meditation. It has really changed my perspective, to where I need to know more about her and her experiences than ever before. I know I have a lot of time to make up to her, to be accessible to her. I'm eager for the opportunity.
It's unfortunate that abuse is so cyclical. It's like some virulent strain of a stubborn virus. When it touches one person, that person infects someone else. I firmly believe in the self-help and various therapies I've described for their power to stop this chain reaction. We just need more awareness out there that these are treatable, and there is help. From the limited reading I've done here it sounds like you're doing a great job spreading that awareness.