I, too, am sorry to hear you're battling this right now...

what you said is so true: you don't really want to die, you want the pain to end. This is the main reason ppl do suicide: the pain. It can be emotional and/or physical pain. That will also guide you in what kind of help to seek: mental and/or physical.
The body/mind connection is totally enmeshed... so even if you think it's all in your head.. eeeeeehhhhh! wrong answer but thank you for playing...

no, seriously, you asked what do you do now? You begin to try and quit taking it out on yourself. SI is a way to strike back at the pain, either by creating more so you can "realize" there's a reason to be hurting, or by making it hurt so that you have to "dissociate" or numb out to escape, thus, you don't feel any pain for a while.

You are not at "fault." Even if you had done something that injured you and you were in pain from it, it still wouldn"t be your "fault." There would be other factors that enter in, creating the scenario.

This society has for eons made it a requirement that someone or something has to be at fault for something else. Our families also instilled this notion, and most still hold to it. But I say, NOT SO! Some things just happen. Some times our bodies respond certain ways... our minds...

I say this to try and help you quit taking the "ways" of life out on yourself! You are not to blame. You are trying to cope. Try and find another way to cope with your pain: creating more pain, and adding embarassment and secrecy to your life doesn't help either, does it?

In the SI forum you will also find support, and maybe a few tricks to use to help keep from doing damage to yourself.

Try and focus that you need to be in less pain... and try and find ways (and friends, and a T?) that will help you do so...

Sucide always feels like an option because if all else fails, then you know you can escape this way. Of course you don't want to... and need to be able to bring pain, yes emotional pain, down to a level you can cope without thinking this way...

One thing my T uses with me is the phrase NOT NOW. Okay? Maybe you can continue to not SI or think suicidal thoughts by replacing those thoughts with NOT NOW. Maybe later... but NOT NOW... Not Now. It does help... to get through the terrible time of it all....