Depression seems to Have been the main theme of my life for the last several months. I had a major depressive episode in November of last year that nearly cost me my job and my relationship. After that, I wrote a paper on depression and my experiences and submitted it to a university as an application request. While waiting to hear if we were accepted, my boyfriends best friend, his brother and his most favorite person in the world committed suicide (I'll call him Jack). It completely tore my boyfriend apart. He hasn't been able to keep a job and has been trying to overcome a major depressive episode of his own. I've had to be the strong one these last long few months and I can't pretend I haven't become exhausted, physically and mentally. What's worse is I haven't been able to find many people to confide in since we moved back to my boyfriend's (we'll just call him Robert) hometown. I feel torn apart by guilt, being slightly jealous of the endless support Robert has gotten since he reached out to social media about his struggles. I've felt a little trapped in our relationship,and too scared that if I tell him I want it to end he won't have a reason to live. I also feel horrible that I've even considered leaving him when he's having such a hard time. I missed work today because I was just so tired of everything and I can't help but feel more alone than ever. My best friend (we'll call her Sasha) was Jack's girlfriend so she's been dealing with her own struggles and I just can't seem to bring myself to bother either Sasha or Robert with my troubles. I don't know what to do, I don't want to lose my job, I'm always worrying and exhausted. I've set up a consultation with a therapist on Sunday but if she can't be flexible about prices I can't afford to see her. Sorry to rant to all of you I just haven't been able to talk to anyone about all of this. I wasn't as close to Jack as a lot of people here were so I don't want to seem like I need attention or make anyone think I'm trying to make things about me. Sometimes I just want to curl up in a ball alone and cry.