I go through cycles of fighting and embracing my avoidance. The urge to fight it, to be social "like everybody else", is strong and nagging. But what always happens is this: I finally muster up the courage to make plans with someone, meeting for lunch on Thursday, for example. But as Thursday approaches, I grow more and more anxious, and by Wednesday I'm already thinking up excuses should I decide to cancel. I should know by now that once the ''thinking up excuses'' phase begins, I've already essentially cancelled in my head. Then, the guilt over backing out makes me wonder if I shouldn't just give up and, as you say, be a better avoidant.

On the rare occasions that I do socialize, even if it isn't an agonizing, self-conscious experience, it's rarely all that much worth it. In my teens and twenties, before AvPD kicked in with full force, I remember having a lot of fun being social. But I just can't seem to get back into that groove. Maybe it's the years of mental health issues between now and then which have changed my ability to process the social experience so that I enjoy it.

So it's back to being a hermit again, which is fine, it's my nature and disorder. But then I get to a point where I say 'avoidance: enough is enough!'' and I start to pine away for social interaction again.

Back and forth. Rarely is there any middle ground.

Does anyone think that sticking it out in social situations rather than retreating back into avoidance can pay off? I'm not saying it would cure/stop AvPD, but perhaps not being so quick to get back into my shell might give me some skills or desensitize me to the unpleasant(for me) aspects of being with people so that I may be able to find that middle ground and just be more satisfied or content?