I am anxious like I have an impending doom waits for me. I feel like my life is standing still almost and this is all there is for me. I have unwanted bad thoughts of wanting to not exist anymore. I have had good days recently but today feels only bad. I want to cry but I'm not sure why. I just feel I need to. Maybe it would make things better, to cry. Maybe if I can look outside like I feel inside it will go away. I hate how I look and want to be different. I want to be anything but me. I'm fat so I eat less and don't get seconds or eat what I want to.

I try to use DBT skills I've learned but they don't seem to be much help. I could call phone coaching for some advice but I wont. I don't want to bother anyone with my crap. That's all I feel I am-a ****ing burden. I'm always in the way. The fat ugly girl with bad hair who is always in the way. I haven't self-harmed in over a month but I'm fighting urges.

I'm having ugly ugly thoughts. I almost don't care. Why should I?