Hi I don't matter I don't bounce back and forth like you do, but I know people who do and it is very hard for them indeed so I really feel for you. I do know what it is like to think graphic, bad or destructive thoughts and it is a really hard place to be.
All I can give is my what limited understanding I have and the strongest hope you can find the support you need to get through this. I believe that, as a human being you are worth as much as anyone else and deserve to have support.
(take your pick what you can accept of these,though I think you deserve them all)