i've been trying to be patient and wait (eagerly) for my next pdoc appointment, i only have 5 more days to wait (thursday the 16th) but im becoming so anxious that i cant stand it

i dont know what to expect at my next appointment although i hope to switch from the seroquel and zyprexa to something else ... this is probably a big cause of my current anxiety, not knowing what to expect drives me bonkers...

i've been experiencing anhedonia for a good while now (a year or so) so any change from what im on right now will be strongly welcomed...

i want to go back to my old self!!

i just feel so... dead....
i dont enjoy anything and its very ... bland... i don't know how to describe the feeling, knowing that i have to make it just 1 more day is becoming so challenging

i just want to feel better and im starting to wonder if i ever will

i told my new case manager how im feeling and described the part about not enjoying anything...
he said thats terrible, but if you can try to play video games or something to distract yourself till the appointment
the problem is i cant do 1 thing for longer than 5 minutes because i get antsy and need to move on...

my symptoms are smart, they hide from me behind a wall of dissociation...
i have memory gaps and would lose my head if it wasn't attached...
so you can imagine how anxious i get when i actually go into the doctors office and try to explain something that i dont understand (my symptoms)
i feel like my symptoms are taking control and im becoming more and more disabled by this... how can this be while on seroquel and zyprexa? i dont understand being medicated and having symptoms...

i just wish the dissociation would get better
that i can enjoy some things again, music, games, art
that i didnt sleep all the time and feel like sleeping all the time
that i could just have my life back...

thanks for reading im done ranting...