I'm asking this critically, because I have many potential mates. Yes there is a big change. I'm no longer lonely as in no women around, but that didn't matter to me either way. I didn't care, deep down I feel I hide this to protect myself. A secret that I want someone to replace my mother in only one simple aspect.

That this person unconditionally loves me as my mom does. Why?
She's sick and I fear all the time without her. I know my life would be hell. That this person would not be my ticket or my cling on go to person period. Just someone to say I have you that's all I want.

Made me realize what love really means, but I don't love anyone but not in a lovers way or a in the way young people expect. I love the person as a true best friend. Like it should be, unfortunately with all these women left and right and they may go in time all of them. I don't see them as a fit, I won't tell them why I won't explain it to them, they shouldn't feel pressured.

I won't tell the person if I married them. I want to be clear why I won't ever say anything. I trusted people too easily and they destroyed me.

I won't explain on it any further than that you've read my previous posts.

Rather I feel my mom needs someone to take care of her. She is like me, and I'm her best friend when other's hate her or despise her actions. I do this, even when I hate her myself for screwing me over, because I love her as my mom and she's the only solace I have left.

I want to not express this to anyone this type of unconditional hell I go through with anyone except someone I would marry. I would say this, because deep down this is what I truly want, but rather keeping it very quiet with anyone I've not told anyone, because I'd rather not force something I'll find suitable.
Yes my expectations aren't high. I won't say what I else I want, but if I feel it's right I'll know.

I've lost a child and a grandmother and ik even though I have a hard time believing in anything. I feel they care about me more than I do about myself my sister does too and my father. They don't show it, but they definitely do.

My grandmother is dead and so is my child. I hold those dearly they haven't left me and it offends me when I was reminded by my ex who've I've not spoken since she was aborted 3 years ago. That how my life was wrecked in many realizations. I woke up that life isn't a game and that how real things really got.

I'm like how I was as a boy I was quiet paid close attention to detail and shut everyone out. When I see others fail I'd either used to pity or empathize or seldomly laugh at their failure. Not that I was cruel or mean, some of those people did indeed deserve it, but I don't like it. I keep my true feelings quiet very deep and quiet.

I blurt out my problems and hellish times in my life, but not my thoughts behind it. Rather, I want more than this, but I don't want to make any mistakes this time and no regrets even if it is inevitably comes to a mistake.

Rather I don't know. I've lost a lot and have much more to gain and rather either prefer this person to come in my life on my rise to glory or after my success someone who may not recognize my successes but see's past who others think I am.

I know people like that, but I don't want to pursue any relationship calling it serious I won't say we are dating, because I don't want things to change.

I want to be quiet and not express or gloat about my relationship statuses like I did as a teen and I've really appreciated the real reason to find relationships is for the experience and the medium not the beginning nor end game. It doesn't matter unless the journey was worth it. Rather I won't pick someone so easily they have to appear. Ik it may come off as confusing but it makes perfect sense to me.
Thanks