Apparently I've perfected projective identification according to my pdoc. He says I make him hurt and he doesn't like to hurt. I looked it up, but I'm not sure what to do with it. And my T says we need to work on my acting out. I tend to get majorly paniced like my very survival is at stake and then I act. And apparently the projective identification pushes people away because I'm making them feel what I feel and I'm very intense and have a lot of pain this continues my cycle of belief that I will be abandoned because people will leave me.

With the whole possibility of lossing my pdoc and finding another one I made a statement in an email that the office was trying to kill me and they didn't care if I died. The pdoc at my meeting yesterday said that my emails were crazy (and I admit they were - but that was my reality at the time even if it was an overreaction it was still true) and that no one was trying to kill me. He said he had been a bad pdoc and we need to work on my splitting so much.

Had a really good session going over my fears because of this with T today. Basically things like this make me feel/believe that my very life is in danger - even that it is being threatened by outside forces/people. We also talked about how I fear loss. I told her about how it hurts when someone shows that they care or love me and we discussed how I felt that it was temporary and perhaps undeserved and that it could be taken away. When people are nice to me - well, more than nice, when they do something that shows they care, I am really touched and grateful to be getting crumbs from the table, but someday I'd like to be at the table. (This is a bible analogy I was using.)

Anyways - lots of just rambling. Anyone else been accused of acting out or projective identification?