I had a session at 5 PM today.

I was telling him how much the attachment hurt. How everything hurt. About how much the couch thing affected me. He said he felt bad; like it was his fault for letting something that painful happen so quickly. I told him I didn't see it that way; that it was okay-- that I trusted him so much that day.

He was eluding to the erotic transference stuff. I still can't go there. He definitely know about it because it's all there, right in the poems I handed him. He asked me, "Do you feel like if talk about these feelings, it will drive me away?" Exactly. Then he went on to say that it's okay to have those feelings, and it's ok to express them, no matter what they are.

Then in the middle of everything, I got pissed. I don't know what happened. Everything turned around. In hindsight, I suppose it was because the attachment feelings were so %#@&#! intense at that moment. I practically couldn't look at him. It was getting to be too much. All I was thinking was how much I want to be with T during the week... how attached I am to him, how amazing he is... and here I am, in the room with this person at this very moment... and it all got to be too much, I think. So what do I do? Get angry of course. And I really started giving it to him. He would make a comment, I would mutter "genius." Then he said he was going to talk, but he just started asking questions instead. Then-- (you will love this Sister... and I have to thank you for it because it really did exemplify how I feel at times) I told him... "Sometimes I am really listening to you. And other times, I'm not. Sometimes I really want you to just shut up." And he goes, "Then why don't you tell me to shut up when you want me to?"

And then it happened.

He quoted a line from one of my poems by memory.

It was a line in which I wrote, "You are required to shut up and tell me the reason."

I had written it as an expression of my frustration in regards to when he just asks a lot of obnoxious rhetorical questions, but doesn't tell me anything directly. (Like he was doing today).

He %#@&#! quoted a line from memory that was precisely relevant to the here-and-now situation.

The signifiance of this did not hit him until I left. I was too wrapped up in being angry at him at the time. But when I left, I realized what had happened. He truly blew me away. There is nothing in the world that could show me more, just how engaged he is.

But that's not even all...

So then he says to me, "I would share my experience with you, but you probably want me to shut up." So I go, "Nice. Now you want me to say-- no! please share your experience with me! " (Meanwhile, of course I am dying for him to tell me whatever it is he is going to say) So finally I tell him... ok, ok I'm listening, go ahead.

He tells me, "Ok. The whole time before you got angry, I think there was a really strong connection. Then when you got mad at me, I felt hurt because we lost that."

What?

So I'm sitting there with this %#@&#! look on my face. I don't even know what to say. So I go, "Um. You just disclosed an emotion."

And he says, "I know... I took a chance."

So at this point, I'm basically dying. Completely overwhelmed. I'm sitting there analyzing the situation to pieces. Connection? Was he inferring that he, too, felt connected? Or did he just mean that I was connected and then I %#@&#! it up? Part of me was absolutely melting that we reached the point in therapy in which he finally felt that he could disclose such a thing. Then there was the all-or-nothing part of me that was thinking, "Great. I hurt him. Now we'll never have a connection again. I just ruined the entire relationship" So this was the part I chose to share. I told him, "See? I hurt everyone that I form a connection with." So we talked about that for a bit.

Then he said that he felt like this was a session separate from all others-- he said it felt as though this was the really special session, in which he was able to take a chance and tell me how he felt.

The end of the session had approached. He asked, as always, "So, are you coming back on Friday?" I was still worried, so again, I said, "I feel like maybe everything is ruined." And he goes, "Maybe everything just started... but you'll have to come back Friday to find out."