Yes, but is it possible to be true best friends unconditionally? Romantic or not. Despite dissolve. I'm on a mission to make a friend who is not responsible of me or my feelings volunteers. Looks out for me if he or she wants to. Maybe a lover and romantic partner, but a true friend to not replace my mother, but as an addition to help me cope if or when it happens. I can't bear the loneliness I feel and soon to experience the way my mom keeps up. So I never miss any opportunities with my mom. I need her more than ever now.

Yeah she screwed me over but I don't want to continue living being that vulnerable and alone again I felt this hell the first time with my mother, but if she passed no. I would rather not use any more motivation for making a mansion out of a smoldering ash pile of the past damages and penance I've left behind and willing to let go.

For the best example my childhood rapist has a family with a happy home.I know and my mother knows regrettably that he's an evil person at heart, but even though I'd rather him rpt in a cell. I can forgive him because it is my nature to let vengeance take control anymore. I've hurt to many people because of the sick ****. And be put my mother through hell too unintentionally, but all my life I needed her attention as much as I needed it then. It's never enough. Ik I wont receive what I want from her, but seeing her happy is a great alternative.

Losing the last normal I have will be the end of me. Ik I always can make a new, but I hate losing. I've planned suicide after her passing all my life. I hate admitting that, but I need someone who can do the main thing she couldn't.
Which is stop acting like a child and acknowledge me and feel I'm hurt because I. Am and I will go through hell for all eternity if I have to if I get the appreciation I've needed.

But I wont expect this person to do it for me, it will just happen like any other close friendship. I want friends not disposable lovers. And fake people when things get rough. Ik where and how they just need to show up. I wont hesitate once it happens. It of course will take along time, but I feel I will give up everything to experience family again for the first time a happy family a normal life I've wanted since it left me after my grandmas passing in 06 from Alzheimer's disease.

Sorry