I could not wait to get on the computer tonight and tell how my session went. So many profound moments!

First, my T really did see exactly what I had hoped regarding my brother and my family during our last visit. That all this family craziness that I have been talking about week after week after week was confirmed for him.

Our family dysfunction is so great that I often wondered if he thought I was exaggerating. He never indicated that to me but he would say 'I've never heard of anything like this' a few times. Like when my dad said he would testify for my husband if we ever split. This really hurt me. I have accomplished a lot in my life although it has been a slow ride.

It doesn't matter my family will always blame me and it is because they might love me but don't like me. Everything they bring up about me is always from years ago and honestly, not relevant. I didn't hurt them, they hurt me. I have loved them and I'm always there for them. They are not there for me.

Whose been hurt here is what I often shake my head and wonder.

Anyway, I was telling my T that after my brother and I left last week's session and he basically blamed me for everything wrong with the world, that I felt so lost and alone. I recalled some of the physical and emotional abuse from my mother who my brother swears 'loves me and I'm just being mean to her'...how he thinks that all that I feel regarding my dad, mom and himself is IN MY HEAD.

I could feel myself spiraling during today' session and somehow we got into talking about my former boyfriend and the sexual abuse he put me through just flashed in my head. It scared me and I was trying to not let my T see this. I was starting to feel nauseated and had to lean forward a little bit until my stomach settled.

I then told T that I really feel like I don't have anyone at all and started worrying about if I'm not around someday what will happen with my son? Will he be as happy as I want for him if I'm not there to make sure of it? What will he be told about me? I really spiraled at that point.

Then T said something he hasn't before "You have me, I'm here for you"...and he said it so genuinely and this may sound dramatic but I feel like it pulled me out of the darkness.

Then it was starting to happen: The tears were starting to roll and I almost lost it completely. Seriously, his saying this meant so much to me and at the same time I was feeling a loss like I was mourning something. Perhaps my realization that I don't have my family behind me. I never did and I never will. I just need to accept them as they are and not look for what they can't give me emotionally. I did manage to convey to T that I feel like he is there for me.

I could feel myself trying to control my emotions even though I know I don't have to do that with my T. I was so afraid of losing it that I just stayed quiet, looked out the window etc. He sensed this and asked me how work was going. (giggle)

He always knows just what to do and say We are so much more connected now and I am so happy about that. I can feel so many emotions that I haven't in the past.

I feel like he genuinely does care about me and is there for me. I am feeling such a trusting bond with him that I can be myself for the first time. Maybe I'm not so bad after all?

You all can't see me but I'm crying again.