I've made it work before.

I only want one, and I'm not going through life when something really bad happens to me I get blamed for suffering as a crazy person for people who don't understand. I've struggled this since ever. Rather I don't open up to anyone. Sometimes my therapist and definitely people who are dating me when they get nosey at very few times.

I opened up before about this. And I get the same rhetoric about how it can be better ill be here for you and many many many false promises and beliefs to shove into my skull to get me either to calm down or shut up. They always leave this includes therapists I learned when I was an early teen how to stay quiet when bad things happen that many people wont understand. My mom sees past it deep down and I see myself in her, except she's been ostracized by her parents shunned and isolated from them. Idk that for sure, but it's like she doesn't want me around because she's so caught up in her own he's, but when's she's not like that I feel validated and someone truly knows me and cares despite good and bad decisions I've done.

If she's dead I will have no one. It would be more or less of me self destructing with whatever means to the point I'd either do something drastic to run away from everything and everyone.
I felt like a failure when my daughter was aborted and I felt more a hopeless wreck when my grandma died.
Because life as a successful happy person feels incomplete without any of them. I really like I'm owning every toy and video game I want and no one to share feeling as if no one will want anything else except for taking what they want. It will just make things alot worse than it is now. Ik because it happened before and it it is still eating me up now.