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thawless · 10:35 AM

two months into a nervous breakdown. every day i contemplate killing myself, it's more than 2/3 my active thoughts

last week i didn't even go to work. where i am necessary. i have deeply upset and disappointed my boss, who i am fairly close too.

on the fourth of july, i was invited and wanted to go to the small party my boss was throwing. i started getting ready, and felt more and more heavy with guilt and shame. my husband and i stayed in all night, for the most part.
the remainder of the weekend, i spent crying and panicking and scared.
i called in sick. an entire week. i didn't sleep in, always hopeful that i wouldn't wake up mid-panic and crying, but i did.

for the last two months, maybe more now, i've been suicidal, it consumes about 80 percent of my thoughts, i barely think anymore. i've been so stressed, depressed, and down that i can barely get anything reasonable done.

i so badly want to quit my job but i have $18 dollars to my name and my boss is the only person who has ever employed me and is the only authority figure who has really made me feel like i'm not lazy piece of **** (i work 12 hour days on my feet in a very active job and i never complain, take holiday shifts, show up in every kind of weather, i always give my upmost 100% and have many responsibilities too [this doesn't bother me, it gives me a sense of reason and being.]). i need to get started on my career, go back to school. i'm afraid of this...

i love work more than anything else, sometimes. it is my livelihood and i miss it every day. i can't believe i let her down. she has arthritis and isn't in perfect health, i have carpal tunnel and contemplate suicide every day but sometimes i can make it work. i can't believe i did this to her. i'm so afraid to talk to her today. (we aren't open on mondays)
she tends to blame or associate my mental health issues with alprazolam (i'm prescribed 2-2.5 mg/daily), though i've been taking the same effective prescription for nearly two years.

i spent all last week on the phone with my mother, who has hurt me very bad but has been there for me when she finally dropped the denial about my mental health.

i don't know. i'm terrified. i cry every day. i want to self harm but i have gone a year since i last tried and i can't stand to wake up without any medication left so i won't ****ing try again because after 10 ****ing tries i'm sure i'm immortal or something

my husband only sees that we don't have the amount of money we should and he doesn't understand how i feel at all, yet this guy loves and studies psychology, he can't ****ing understand at all. i feel like he resents me too.