PHP: Day Two

Today was my first full day since I didn't have any scheduled intake stuff to do. The nurse (not Dahlia/Holly) weighed me and got my vitals for the week (lost 5 lbs. since Friday, but i'm at "my" baseline).

In the first groups, led by Lily, we did a weekend review/affirmation and goal setting and then open processing group. The group was small (~5) and I assume she is everyone in the groups individual T. Its basically like having a normal therapy session. There is no "set" topic and you're open to discuss whatever you need to process. One girl mentioned that she was agitated because I took her seat, but she worked through it. I did offer it back to her later, but she was fine. Now I just wonder if I should change seats tomorrow lol...

We practiced a mindfulness activity that involved being aware of your current emotion, and it (surprisingly) did help. And later were taught how to apply some of the mindfulness stuff to our lives. It actually turned into a tearful session for some and the lesson could totally apply to everyone's circumstance.

We had another group on building our support system, which was a bit bigger (~11). This was hard for me because I wasn't sure how to build such a system when I have no desire to build a relationship with anyone. One of the other patients really did not seem to like this topic, and the T eventually had to remind us that it is up to us to decide to apply the skills or not.

I got pulled to do a lengthy assessment because they want to "re"diagnose me. So i'll be meeting with a psychologist at some point to discuss those results. The test was easy but some questions I didn't know how to answer because they were to me more "yes or no" questions instead of "rate". Like one of the statements was "I have never taken anything that was not my own." As a small kid, I stole gum like 4 times (not like from my mom, like from a strangers purse at church, another school mates desk/bag, etc.) They are all petty incidents but they make the statement a simple "false" for me. So, I don't know if that black/white thinking exaggerated my sanity/insanity scale...

At lunch, I found Lily and told her that I was having a hard time trying to figure out if i'm supposed to be talking to her or T. Technically, i'm T's patient but i'm not seeing her while in the full program; so they prefer me to process as much as possible in group. I am okay with this because Lily is both my temporary T and group leader.

I'm used to being able to write T, and process any thoughts, and without seeing her now I'm kind of like "what do I do". Lily did tell me, in a gentle way, that I was allowed to write her too; that it was okay. I don't necessarily want to write her (because i'm going to try to be more open in group) but it did feel good to know that I don't have noone (as opposed to someone) to talk to.

We discussed my level of suicidality (?) (which was increased today) and came up with a safety plan. She wants to involve my family (not in the plan, but in my treatment) but I'm not open to that so she said we'll take one day at a time.

We had another group that focused on spirituality. They don't tell you a religion or anything to choose, but they do consider it a part of your well being as a whole. It was basically like story time highly applicable to the fact that all of us were there, and at a very low place in life.

My appointment with Jasmine got rescheduled to today (I guess it was tomorrow) and she did a med review. She also told me that, for my safety, they had called the pharmacy and cancelled all refills on medication I had. I completely support that decision and feel relieved that they took me seriously and that I no longer have that option available.

Lastly was recreational therapy, where we played another fun game. And now, i'm back home again until tomorrow morning. I am ready to go back tomorrow and learn more skills. I actually am sad that I have to switch to the IOP program next week (not their rule; I have to work) and I am also going to practice opening up in group if I can move past the anxiety.

All in all, another good day.