I don't even know how to write about this but I feel the need to just get it out. I can see yet another trait of my bpd rearing its ugly head. My sense of self as far as my sexuality goes is all out of whack. I want to blame it on my therapist for putting the thought of me being bi-sexual in my head but in reality he probably wouldn't have said anything if I hadn't said I thought my friend was hot. I am literally observing myself become attached and attracted to her. She's a co-worker that I've known for ten years. There's not a chance in hell that this could go anywhere because she's straight and married. Over the past year though, I am noticing how attractive she is. I've only been with men and I don't know if I could be with a woman but... In my eyes... She's hot! I flirt with her a little by telling her that she looks good now and then. I've asked her if I'm making her uncomfortable but she says I'm not. She seems to like the attention but I worry that I need to chill out. I don't want to freak her out. I think my attention might be what could scare her away. Not the flirting. The thing is that she knows about my bpd and the way I get attached to people.

I don't know. I don't know where I'm even going with this post but it's all a bit much for my head to handle yet I can't seem to keep my thoughts or feelings about her to myself. When I try to, like today, I feel even more creepy because I can't help but smile when I see her. I feel like I can't control how much attention I pay to her. Surely I can though. I just need to try harder. Of course she's gone for the next two days and that will bother me a bit.

Why do I have to get this way with people? If I screw things up with her it would be a big loss because she's been a big emotional support to me.