Thanks for the notes on this stuff Alexandra - I was hoping you'd respond because you know more about these things.

gostryter - I'm starting to feel guilty about casting my pain on others and spreading it around. Maybe you and I could meet in the middle.

The thing is that the projective identification stuff happens intensley in therapy for me, but is withheld in the 'real' world so that no one knows anything of what I'm truely going through - or very rarely. I've gotten better (or worse) at breaking down and crying in public more often, but people don't often notice - still hiding. Pdoc still isn't sending me away, but he worries that my projective identification and intensity is pushing others away and keeping people from wanting to get close to me. I guess I need to find another side of myself - it's the only thing I seem to have to share sometimes. He's worried that I'm perpetuating a cycle of rejection and abandonment in my life. And he wants me to know what I'd doing and what effect it has on him (and I guess in that vein he assumes on others.)

The acting out goes EVERYWHERE. I go insane and send off faxes and emails and make phone calls and just become emotionally irrational all over the place. But who can blame you when you're acting under the panic that you're going to die if no one helps you or if something gets taken away and you're trying to get help or attention. T says I shouldn't send the fax or the email, etc, but wait. But I told her that sending it out is a release for me and helps. So what happens I wonder if I don't - (she says we talk about it instead) - but in that moment, what would happen? I think I'd loose my hold on reality and completely break down. I mean I'm not far away from it in that state anyways.

I'm just glad the three week horror is over and things have settled out for me right now and I can feel normal. I'm so behind in life though because everything went on hold while I was waiting on my pdoc appointment due to the trauma of possibly losing him.