I had an experience over the weekend that was very confusing/upsetting/disturbing and I need to talk to someone about it, but I can’t talk to T…I think she wouldn’t understand it or would be in over her head or automatically assume that this experience stems from trauma…I tried talking to her a little bit about it today, talking about the feelings without giving many details about the experience, and she tried to be supportive, but I could tell she was really confused and she kept saying her mind kept going elsewhere and trying to figure out what the experience was. She respects that I don’t feel comfortable sharing it with her, but I need to share it with someone, and I’m going a bit crazy keeping it to myself, and I don’t have anyone else to share it with.

The gist of it (I almost don’t feel comfortable sharing it here either, but I will anyway) – I have been obsessed with spanking for as long as I can remember, since I was very little, and finally after so many years of wanting it, I set up an appointment with someone to actually make it happen. And I was completely shut down physically, emotionally – I didn’t feel anything at all, not even pain, even though she spanked me for maybe seven minutes straight with a wooden paddle and then a leather strap, to the point that it left significant welts and a few bruises, and I barely felt a thing because I was completely shut down physically. And naturally I have a very low pain tolerance, and it was the first spanking I’d ever had, so it should have definitely hurt…she was hitting pretty hard, and she has been spanking people for decades and almost everyone would be reacting after a spanking like that; they wouldn’t just be lying completely still and thinking, “That’s it?”

She finally stopped because she was worried about doing too much damage or leaving too many marks, even though I still wasn’t feeling anything, and that felt caring to me, that she stopped because she didn’t want to hurt me too much. Probably because when I was little and my parents were hurting me, they never stopped because they didn’t want to hurt me too much; they stopped when they felt like it and “hurting me too much” wasn’t even on their radar. I think, subconsciously, I might be searching for some sort of reparative experience, for someone to hurt me (in a way I want to be hurt) and then stop at some point out of caring. It felt nurturing after, and she hugged me and said, “Oh, you poor little disconnected thing,” and that fed something in me.

I think I want to have this experience again and figure out how to actually connect with my body and actually feel the pain, but it’s also a dangerous thing to not be able to feel it, because someone could just keep hitting and do some serious damage without me even noticing it. And the woman said she wouldn’t let me come back for another spanking because I guess I have too many issues for her to work with me, and I think she also worries about me putting her into a role like my parents were, wanting her to hurt me and then turning it into a power struggle where I’m trying to stay stoic to “outlast” her – I did this a lot with my parents when they were hurting me, not reacting because I felt like that would mean losing my dignity. I feel like maybe I’m too screwed up for that experience, even though I’ve wanted it forever…my brain is going really crazy with all this and I want to talk to T about it but I think she just wouldn’t understand, and it would show her I really am screwed up too, because she wouldn’t understand why I would even want to be spanked at all…