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You need to seek outside help, either with a therapist or psychiatrist. Or call the suicide holiness. You sound seriously depressed and in need of help.
Of course, keep posting on PC because you can get a lot of support here, too.
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Bipolar I, Depression, GAD Meds: Zoloft, Zyprexa, Ritalin
"Each morning we are born again. What we do today is what matters most." -Buddha
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