Don't know where to start. I feel devastated.

I stared going though my stuff to gather a big pile and then call a junk removal service. It would solve the problem of getting rid of stuff I can't lift and those that are too awkward for me to get down the steps.

So Friday I had a couple boxes of papers for the past few years and a plastic file box from the apartment before this. The file has years 1998- the first half of 2000. I was in the hospital 9 times during that time, once for 10 days out for one day back in for over a week. I don't know I was holding down a full time job? I could have sworn I hadn't ODed since the 80s when the last time was so horrible. But there it was in black and white. I know when I get into a mixed episode I want so bad to get out of it I sometimes say I'm going to quit all my meds and fast, that it will clean me up and make things better the next minute I'm going to take all my meds so I feel better, but I didn't think I had. There are so many holes in my memory!

Then the more recent stuff had a report my T wrote to a Pdoc she wanted me to have a copy of, part of her being open with me and helping me trust her. Under diagnoses she started with bipolar, current episode mixed, I crossed that off and wrote MDD. It was just my copy, but it was from 09, I wouldn't even admit to bipolar then and I thought she had agreed I only had MDD. I also found the notes from the Pdocs that she sent me to. They start out with MDD, PTSD then mood disorder NOS, then bipolar, then -this patient is definitely bipolar. I started off as logical, insightful and went to very poor insight regarding Dx, will only agree to sub optimal medications, very distrustful. From calm orientation to delusional, paranoid and my GAF kept going down. That's not how I remember it. I remember it as they were lying to me, trying to put me on APs and mood stabilizers I didn't need, and making up stuff that wasn't true....that I was bipolar.

It feels like my world has tilted, an icy cold hand of reality has reached out and slapped me in the face. I never realized it was that bad. I know I can't recall how many times I've been hospitalized, I know I've been told often since the 80's that I'm bipolar but I never believed it and I felt I had a pretty minor Mi and could never understand why they gave me SSDI without ever talking to me.

Going though that stuff makes me sound horribly sick and it hits me how it so typical of bipolar to keep going off meds and refusing treatment. I feel like my god I really am bipolar!!! I just recently agreed to bipolar II and that was hard to admit to. I'm so devastated. I don't want this, I thought it wasn't that bad, that I was closer to sane. I can't get it out of my head. I keep wondering how many other situations I've interpreted wrong, and how other people must see me. I can't stop crying.