I just realized things are not as clear-cut with me as I made it seem, I think. There is an internal confusion and some dark stains in my soul regarding weight loss.

I thought it was just me connecting dots that aren't there, but it's happening again now. In the past 6 months I lost about 15-20 lbs - new job, stopped going to lunch at my grandma's (she's not too happy about it) and people just about started noticing. On one hand I feel succesful. But on the other hand, it's making me feel depressed and uncomfortable. What especially made me sad is that my boyfriend started saying how pretty I look a lot more now, wondering what's changed (posture? summer tan? hair?), he wasn't aware I lost weight. It somehow makes me feel incredibly sad and frustrated, even though everybody is so nice about it. Some days I imagine becoming huge and then just be the sweetest, happiest and most loveable me and be like "take that, I'm still great, see, you still love me because that's who I am"

Often when complimented on my weight loss I start to buy stupid food for several days. Often I go buy something immidiately, especially if I could eat it in front of the person. By stupid food I mean absolute junk that I normally hate - I prefer simple, clean tastes. I'm not even enjoying that, I normally gravitate to completely different kind of treats.

It's messed up.