First, my sincere thanks to each of the good, decent, thoughtful people who replied to my arrival and who welcomed me to the Forum. Your kindness is already a treasure to me.

As promised, I will elaborate...

Background

I was an only child. My father was mentally retarded, but never diagnosed. I believe that he probably had either autism or schizophrenia. Physically, he was small and weak, and I have inherited his "physique". My mother was mentally deranged - a narcissistic, self-righteous, bullying tyrant. Their marriage was a deranged fraud - they hated each other. Though nominally middle-class, my father's job was poorly-paid and my mother was the main provider. My mother, being the more "sane", realized the abnormality of their marriage early on but tried to live in denial. She deliberately tried to conceal her knowledge of my father's retardation. As a fanatical Roman Catholic she insisted that her marriage must be for life - even as she knew it was ruining three lives. They tried to pretend that their relationship was normal, and could not bear any criticism of it. From my early childhood, I sensed their abnormality. When I dared to point it out, my mother tried to silence me by merciless bullying. My father was extremely passive - he never stood up to my mother's bullying, either of himself or of me. The truth is he was terrified of her. Throughout my youth I was scapegoated for the failure of their marriage. To a child and later a teenager, the effect of being blamed for this was devastating. My childhood and teenage years were spent in an atmosphere of constant mental abuse. It was chronic conflict - mostly between my mother and myself, with my father as a passive observer. No-one ever defended me or helped me. I grew up isolated, intimidated and increasingly withdrawn. I regarded the way I was treated as "domestic terrorism".


Breakdown


I was academically able and studious. I saw this as my "escape ticket". At 17, I won a place to study Medicine at a very prestigious university. Three months after starting, I suddenly walked out. I realized immediately that something bad had happened inside my mind.


It felt as if my mind had "seized-up". My mind was suddenly paralyzed. It has remained so for nearly thirty-five years. I feel as if I am unable to access 90% of my intellectual ability - I can access only about 10% of it. I describe it now as being like a mental equivalent of the neurological "locked-in" syndrome, in which the sufferer is aware of his paralysis but unable to do anything about it. From the onset of the breakdown I was overwhelmed with fear, especially social phobia. I was terrified to go into the lecture hall, or wherever I would have to engage with people. After a few days at home, I noticed an overwhelming desire "to do everything perfectly". I started performing routine tasks (washing, grooming, dressing, cleaning my room) to a "perfectionist" standard. This rapidly became very time-consuming. Being well-informed, I recognized this immediately as OCD (at that time, most of the books were still calling it "obsessional neurosis"!). I also became depressed. But I knew that my depression was a consequence of the OCD and the threat to my career, rather than anything "chemical". I self-referred to the university psychiatrist about the depression. I concealed the OCD from her - as I have done from almost everyone else for nearly thirty-five years now. I was given antidepressants which had negligible, if any, effect. I began to be concerned that the OCD might possibly be secondary, or "masking" a deeper, primary disorder. Obviously I worried about psychosis. But I never manifested any of the main signs or symptoms. I became increasingly withdrawn, and have remained so for most of my life.


My Adult Life


The breakdown took me out of college and back home. My mother's bullying intensified, now that she had a "captive audience" - and a victim who was distraught and vulnerable. Rich pickings for the "professional" bully! Thanks to her narcissism and her religious hysteria, my mother decided my diagnosis: I was not ill, but "wicked", and the most urgent task was to correct my "attitude to my parents". My parents made no serious attempts to get me professional help. The very limited help I did get was dismissed by my mother - because she always "knew better" than any professional. Thus did my life begin to decline - and it has declined ever since.


Having no money, I was trapped at home. Instead of getting help for me, only one "solution" was made available. My mother was obsessed with education. Having dragged herself from a poor background by academic effort, she saw this as a universal solution. Other than education, she had few interests. She had a deep hostility to any activity which could be described as "non-serious" - she hated entertainment, social events and - especially - enjoyment of any kind. She was adamant that whatever money was available should only be spent on education. Given her complete ignorance of human relationships, spending any money on psychiatrists was out of the question.


What happened? My mother kept me at college. Despite being seriously mentally injured, I enrolled repeatedly. Of course I made very little progress. I had to repeat every year - often several times. I dropped out several times, and returned several times. In total, this pattern continued - incredible but true - for nearly twenty years. Having started at 17, I finally abandoned my nightmare at 36 - having got no qualification. I later wrote a thesis which enabled me to finally collect a degree at the age of 42. The entire experience was devastating.


For most of this ordeal - until I was 31 - I lived at home. Mentally injured, and persistently bullied, I was trying to study - and failing. My peers shunned me, so I had no network. Between 18 and 36 I had no holiday of any kind - in that time I did not set foot outside my home city. In that time I did not even have a single day away.


For the past sixteen years, I have been a virtual recluse. Most of my time is spent in my small apartment. The Internet is a great tonic, and I read a lot. Most days I will go for a walk for an hour. A large part of my day is spent doing my OCD rituals. OCD is now so entrenched that I would find it impossible to think of my life without it.




That is my summary. I wanted to keep it concise, but I will gladly elaborate on any aspect if asked.




Now - I need advice - and help. I am fearful for my future. I am desperate.



Can someone out there please help me? Thanks.




Hansi.