Quote:
Originally Posted by Frankbtl
Hi niceguy,
It sounds like you're going through a real conflict of emotions, right now 
Now this is a long shot..........but does it really have to be a choice between living with/accepting the relationship as it is or ending it??? Could there be some room to put some guidelines/boundaries in place in the relationship with her..........maybe sit down with her and spell out some of your expectations in making the relationship work so as you can both be happy in something more than a "short lived" relationship, while taking into consideration some of her feedback???
Like I said, a long shot if this is the person who has hurt you previously.
But if that doesn't/isn't going to work..........well the bigger picture..........why shouldn't you deserve happiness in your life??!! If this relationship is ultimately/overall going to add hurt to hurt to...........
And maybe you don't want to hurt them, but you're absolutely right with "a sense of duty and loyalty, that apparently appears to be helping no one". If that's the case you are helping both of you/being the "bigger/stronger person" in moving on. You do have a right to want more........and you might "longer term" be helping her by moving on too, freeing her to find someone in the same sense that you need to find someone right for you.
I know it might/ will probably be really painful.............but I think you already know what you need, just so hard to take that step, yes??
But you have tried with the relationship, you've definitely tried, but you/anyone can only give so much of themselves. Time to think about your future now, yes??
Alison |
Hi Ali-btl,
Look here is the thing. We have been through so many ups and downs, that at this point, I really thought the worst was behind us. As I explained, the one positive to come out of it, was that we have both seen each other at our worst and are still here. However, I think that they are terrified I am going to impact on their life, to the point I will take it over. I don't want to do that, I don't want to scream at them and become the ball and chain they dread. A direct example that they used as an analogy, was they were scared I would call them and demand something and they would comply nicely, but get off the phone and be calling the said person a *****, as apparently occurs with some guy at work and his wife.
I have no intentions of wanting to be in their pocket 24-7, nor turn into something I am not. I have my own life, my own interests and any partner has to try to understand they are coming into my life, to share it with me and Not to become the whole thing. Perhaps when I was younger I was different (ok I was), and perhaps that is the fear that they cling to. Yet, that was nearly eight years ago. If they cannot recognize I have changed, well that is a true worry.
As for the other side of the coin, I love him dearly, but I am not happy. In fact I haven't been for a very long time. I am technically on a break, but since we live together, well it gets complicated. I want to see myself in a new light, in a new direction, but I get bored, complacent and face a stalemate, so stay stuck - or so it feels. However, this person has loved me, dealt with all of my crap and seen me at my worst and can still pick up the pieces and make sure I am ok at the end of the day. They are scared to lose me and explain they will do whatever it takes, as I am the love of their life. I want to make them happy too. I don't want either hurt and certainly would not have wished to find myself in this situation. Yet, here I am again.
The short lived perse, is the strong belief I have, but how will I ever know without trying? I need to decide once and for all.....
thanks for the advice though, as usual - very insightful.
