I was told to post in this section about my problem.

So, I'm wondering why I feel a desire at times that I would like to be schizophrenic locked-in inside my mind. What is this exactly. And what to do about it. (I know this may sound strange, yes.)

When I feel this desire, I start seeing random negative images overlaying physically visible reality that I normally see with my two eyes. And, weirdly enough, it's like, it feels so so addictive good for a bit, then it goes away when I suddenly realize I don't want it that much after all.

To clarify...if I was locked-in like that, it'd just be me seeing these things all day, locked into that non-real world. Like I wouldn't have to deal with the real world anymore. My mind would not have to take in reality anymore. Could just give up on it and enjoy the negative imagery instead in my mind.

This whole desire and the images went away for a while for a few weeks this Spring. Then very recently I started feeling a stronger than ever pull towards this. I had a stronger version of overlaying too.

I mean, to me something only qualifies as a hallucination if what you are imagining does not go away when you actually directly look at the object. Well, that kinda happened now. Though not totally because I of course knew that it wasn't logical to see those things. So they did not feel fully real but...yeah, that was kinda a stronger effect than what I had before.

To clarify that more, about the images overlaying the actual sensory visual input, it's just literally that, my mind ignores the sensory input and sees something else instead, some image(s) that's loaded with negative content. This is with me directly looking at objects, not just from the corner of my eye.

I did previously have two episodes that would qualify as at least a partial loss of connection with reality. For short times (for a few minutes) nearly full loss of it. In those cases I was not cognizant of what was real and what was not real so not the same issue as I'm having now. Those happened about 2.5 and 3.5 years ago but they both had the same specific trigger that I will not allow to happen anymore.

I also have a feeling that whatever things may be troubling me that cause this feeling of pull towards this crap, are things that I'm basically betting my life on...if it doesn't get solved, I'm done for, my life is over, my mind -and my mental health with it- could totally just crack.

Any thoughts? Thanks.