I've had a bit of a crap week and have a heading into the pit feeling. I saw my doctor as part of one of my regular check-ups and completely lost it. Doc asked if I was still taking my meds and when I said yes, he actually said that I'm coming across like I'm not. I lost it and I feel pretty awful about it now. I AM taking my meds though so it seemed like a really ****** thing to say.

I've also spent more time at home just thinking. My life so far has been an unmitigated disaster. I have few thing to be pleased about. Everything I've achieved I've managed to screw up spectacularly, through poor choice or bipolar. I just can't see that changing. It's like running a race, coming last and being told "at least you tried". How ****ing pointless is that?

Like being asked at a job interview "Where do you see yourself in x years?" Most would think 'ooohhhh, cars, money, my own company, all of that'. Well **** that. I don't want any of those things. No, only one thing. Content with life. Because right now I'm not. I lead a pointless existence and have nothing to show for my time. I often think that being content in old age would be nice to see because I doubt I'll make it that far. 45 more years of this? No chance.

Thanks for taking the time to read, I just needed to vent a little and here is one of the few places I can tell it like it is without being told that I'm wrong/ depressed/ crazy/ ridiculous. When even your doctor comes out with words that basically say 'you're acting a bit nuts' without saying it, it's a bit jarring.