Hi Yearning,

Thankyou so much for sharing this with us and my heart goes out to you that you don't feel able to talk to your T about this

But taking this........."I want to talk to T about it but I think she just wouldn’t understand, and it would show her I really am screwed up too, because she wouldn’t understand why I would even want to be spanked at all…"
Anyone who knows/understands abuse and the effects of abuse (which I'm assuming your T does, if she has experience with supporting people who have been abused) would/should understand what you're going through and what happened completely, and be completely empathetic towards you
Just some of the thoughts going through my mind were/are that you shouldn't at all feel embarrassed, shameful, guilty............(those kinds of feelings) in talking about it, you shouldn't feel that your T has any right/reason to judge you negatively for what happened, based on your background you're reacting to what you shouldn't have had to experience in the first place in a completely understandable way............you shouldn't be seen as screwed up, you were reacting understandably to something that should never, ever have happened to you........and you do only deserve to be treated in an empathetic, sensitive, caring and respectful way and extended the support you need to work through/past what happened to you in the past and the effect it's having on you now.
I know it might be real hard for you to believe/feel any of that but to me, to many others and hopefully to your T that is as it is.
So hopefully you can maybe try to give your T some more details???
But if not, right now...........just say the word and I, for one, am more than willing to talk with you more about it.
Fact: you deserve support/help with all you've been through and are going through, and thankyou again for sharing

Alison