T called about twenty minutes ago. We had a nice conversation. I said, "Are you worried I'm not going to show? He laughed and replied, "Well, in that case I DO know where you live." Thing is.. .he'd follow up on it. I'm so screwed. I told him I am really struggling right now, especially having to be around all the kids. The teens especially wake up something in me. I jumped on a boy earlier today, and though he needed straightening out, it was a very youthful feeling I had driving me, you know? Arrrrgggg This makes me crazy, I swear to God. I told him, "I don't think I can do the couch." Him, "What if I sit on the couch too." Oh yeah. . .that'll help tons. Him, "I think you can do this. You've done it before. Would you rather wait WEEKS to deal with the couch, spending all that time worrying about it?" He really has a way with words, you know? I hung up on him. Jack@ss. He called back, laughed, and reminded me I've called him worse. Some people.

I really don't want to talk. I think the thing is. . .and he pointed this out. . .that I am on the verge of deeply trusting and in the past, that action has brought about GREAT grief and pain. I don't know how to handle it if it isn't painful or hurtful. He thinks I'm more afraid of his reaction than the actual talking.