Over Christmas, I thought about killing myself nearly every hour, it became a case of getting through the morning, then the afternoon, the evening and the night. I had to chunk it up or I would have done it. As soon as I got back to work, I rang my boss. They sent me to Employee Assistance and I got to talk to someone on a crisis line. Then I got some meds, even though I knew they didn't work straight away, doing something to help myself made me feel better. I self medicate through alcohol, although not much, having been practically teetotal for about 30 years. It does get better, but you have a hill to climb. Reach out to someone and get help. I can't remember who said it or where, but this too will pass. Even if it feels like it never will. Stay strong. Hugs from England.