Hi teacup, welcome and thank you for sharing with us. It is a privilege we have in this community to reach out to people who are struggling and try to understand. You're not alone here. I really feel for you and really really hope you can find a way forward. Until then, make use of the support you can get here. I know people here have made such a difference for me and helped me find courage to face the next day, or even the next hour. I hope you get as much benefit too.